Couples Therapy

Wouldn’t it be great if we could really learn about relationships from sitcoms? Life is a touch more challenging. Problems aren’t often solved in 90 minutes. Instead of witty banter, we sometimes have to deal with harsh words. Figuring out what does and doesn’t work is, well… work. But it’s some of the most important and gratifying work you’ll ever do. Relationships can feel like a riddle at times. This does not mean you can’t and won’t crack the code. Below are some guidelines to help with that process. Pro tip: It helps to learn about attachment styles! Understanding Attachment Styles Each of us has an attachment style that was initially shaped in childhood.  It’s like an internal compass navigating us through our relations and interactions with others. Generally speaking, there are four attachment styles (adaptations): Secure: You easily love and allow yourself to be loved. You can move between feeling good when you are alone and feeling in balance when you are with another.   Dancing between autonomy and interdependence is easy. Ambivalent: You may feel insecure in your relationship and anxious about being rejected.  Often you over-focus on others and forget your own needs.  You might even feel quite panicky when you sense your partner pulling away, even if they are just needing a bit of space. Avoidant: You maintain your distance and fear intimacy.  You feel more emotionally regulated when you are alone and find maintaining closeness stressful.  You are confident that you can take care of yourself but have difficulty opening up to others or even asking for support. Disorganized:  You might send mixed messages — craving closeness but running from it when it arrives.  Disorganized attachment often arises when your primary caregivers, the ones you look to support you and care for you were also a source of threat or fear. You might notice that three of the four styles are insecure connections. Your adult attachment style initially is an adaptation to the dynamics with childhood caregivers.  It is also impacted by our intimate relationships as we go through life.  Fortunately, these styles are not permanent. Are you in a healthy partnership? To follow is a list of signs of healthy relationships so you can assess your own. Signs of a Healthy Relationship The Root Word of Kindness is “Kin” Kindness is a big sign!  Healthy couples are kind to one another.  We all want satisfaction and stability. Kindness is believed to be one of the most important predictor of both. (Conversely, contempt is a big sign of trouble.) Be the Pair That Repairs Individuals in a healthy relationship do repair work when they have hurt one another or made a mistake.  They give and receive when it comes to patching up the holes. And those repairs are best done as soon as possible.  People in a healthy relationship drop their defensiveness and say “I’m sorry.”  Repair prevents the painful moments from becoming long-term memories. 1 + 1 = 2 The problem with talking about being “soul mates” is that it rarely contains discussions about independence. Healthy couples exist as strong, secure individuals. They have different opinions and different friend groups. They are different but integrated and they feel safe in expressing their independence. This empowers them to manage outside relationships in an open, honest, and healthy manner. Hearing and Validating Renowned relationship counselor John Gottman talks about “bids for connection.” In everyday life, this presents itself as those times when one of the partners in the couple seeks the attention of the other. A healthy couple recognizes these bids and responds with respect and urgency. Studies have found that the practice of responding to bids is present in couples who stay together. Responding to each other’s bids can: Make both people feel safe in their relationship — and in the world Create an environment in which each feels their needs will be met Forms a secure base for your attachment Keeps partners in sync with one another Eases the strain of negotiations during a disagreement Curiosity Saved the Relationship As time passes, some partners start to take each other for granted. They believe they already know what they need to know about each other. A healthier approach is evolving interactions.  In a healthy relationship, there is a willingness to learn about each other.  Curiosity and approaching their loved one with fresh eyes is key. A Few More Basics: Practice transparency (don’t keep secrets from one another) When something big happens (i.e., you got that promotion), they tell their partner first They never threaten the relationship.  They don’t say they want a divorce or separation in the middle of an argument unless they are 100% sure that that is what you want.  Threatening to leave plays havoc on a partners attachment system. Always find time to play and laugh together Healthy relationships also involve asking for help when you need it. Working with a relationship therapist puts you in the position to identify what work is required. I’d love to talk with you in a confidential consultation and get your relationship counseling process started.

If you’re like most people recovering from infidelity, you’re likely facing an array of emotions.After all, being cheated on can shake you in plenty of ways. Sometimes, this emotional shaking can be so severe that you don’t even feel like yourself or recognize your own face in the mirror.No matter what series of circumstances ultimately ended your relationship, an affair can feel crushing. Unfortunately, it’s frequently more than simply feeling as though the relationship is “broken.”Meaning, many people who’ve undergone a marital breakdown internalize their partner’s betrayal—taking on the blame, shame, and loads of other negative (and unmerited) emotions.As you may have guessed, your self-esteem can take a huge hit. You may even feel as though a part of you is broken. But you’re not broken, and you can recover your sense of self-worth. Here’s how. 1. Accept That It Had Little to Do with You After discovering your partner’s actions, your go-to response was probably to ask why this happened. More importantly, you might have asked yourself what was so wrong with you that was so right about the “other” person. Here’s the thing about your partner’s affair: it wasn’t about you. Rather, it was a decision that other people made without consulting you. Consider that even many highly attractive and successful people get cheated on every day—Halle Berry, Jennifer Aniston, Gwen Stefani, etc. Remember, there is no single finger pointing at you. And although you may have behaviors or attitudes that irritate your partner, you’re not innately flawed, deserving of such pain. 2. Give Yourself Space for Self-Expression Embracing self-expression during the aftermath of an affair can be completely life-changing. Of course, self-expression means different things to different people. For example, you might burn sentimental items from your relationship in a kind of grieving ceremony. Or perhaps you’ll dive into a beloved expression of art, such as painting, songwriting, or dancing. Keep in mind that plenty of betrayed partners have painted, crooned, or danced out their feelings. We see and hear the proof of these artistic expressions every day. Whatever your outlet, be sure to use it. Expressing yourself through a meaningful avenue bolsters your confidence in an unrivaled way. 3. Keep a Journal Keeping a journal might sound somewhat juvenile. However, journaling is far more than a “Dear Diary” sort of endeavor. Rather, journaling helps you to regulate and self-validate your emotions. It also clues you in to your emotional triggers. Knowing your patterns and the things that set you off will help you to focus your recovery efforts on those areas. Self-esteem is partly about feeling empowered. Unsurprisingly, the more power you feel over your own emotions, the stronger your self-esteem becomes. Mostly, because the major driver in journaling is a “know thyself” approach. 4. Quiet the “If Only” Thoughts Recovering your self-esteem after an affair also frequently means addressing your own thoughts. Let’s face it, you’re at your most vulnerable after a betrayal. With thoughts whirling and emotions in overdrive, it’s easy to take a wrong left turn in your own mind. Usually, these wrong turns lead you to a never-ending chorus of “if only.” If only you could cook better or were more attractive or made more money or were thinner, your partner wouldn’t have been tempted to have an affair. Sure, maybe you do want to learn to cook better, beef up your self-care, or ask for a raise at work. If so, you’re in a crowded boat because most of us are there, too. It’s okay, really! Unfortunately, these doubtful thoughts only spur on more doubtful thoughts—and they devalue who you truly are. Quieting them will allow your self-esteem to recover more fully. 5. Make an Epic “You” List Simply said, some days everything is going well and some days feel like the worst day of your life.. Experiencing an affair is undoubtedly one of the latter. There are probably lyrics that say it much better, but the point is that every day you are YOU. No matter what you face, you manage to come out on the other side in one piece. Why? There must be some grit to you because you’re a relentless, rebounding champ to have faced a cheating partner and still want to read this particular post. So, remind yourself every day of all the gifts and talents that make up YOU. Take it a step further and write down all the ways you are amazing. Go deep, and jot down every nitty-gritty reason that you are valuable. You may not feel 10-feet tall and bullet-proof yet, but your mind and body will soon catch up. Let it happen. — To find out more about relationship counseling, click here.  For more support as you recover your self-esteem after an affair, please contact me today for a free consultation. I would like to support you on your journey of recovery.