Couples Therapy
Are you struggling as a couple?
● Do you and your partner have trouble communicating?
● Do you sometimes go to bed angry?
● Do little things blow up easily into big arguments?
● Are you drained from frequent arguments?
● Do you often feel misunderstood or taken for granted?
● Are you caught in the same negative patterns again and again?
● Do you miss the friendship, closeness and intimacy you once had?
Every relationship goes through challenges as you deal with life’s ups and downs, and as you both evolve as individuals. But if your connection with one another has become tense or lifeless, there are other options besides splitting up or becoming resigned to a pain-filled or joyless coexistence. I have helped many couples in this kind of situation. If any of this sounds like your relationship, I would like to assist you.
Couples therapy can help.
As a relationship counselor and psychotherapist, I enjoy helping couples heal their wounds, learn better ways of communicating their needs, and discover how to connect with one another in healthy ways. I bring not only my training and experience as a psychotherapist, but also my skills as a mediator and Nonviolent Communication ™ practitioner. Couples counseling can provide the safe, accepting environment and skilled support you and your partner may need to repair your bond and reopen your hearts to one another.
There is no secret formula for relationship success. But there is a not-so-secret foundation for relationship satisfaction: communication. Developing healthy communication is an ongoing, never-ending process. It is also the closest thing we have to a universal truth for couples. Healthy Communication is Reality-Based Contrary to pop culture myths, even the happiest couples disagree and argue. The answer is not focusing on this fact. Rather, we need to examine how we interact and why. From there, we can grow and learn from even the most uncomfortable arguments. John Gottman is a noted and well-respected psychological researcher. His research indicates “relationship success is not dependent on whether couples argue not rather how they argue. “He believes, conflicts are “unavoidable in an intimate relationship and if they are handled well can contribute to growth rather than tension.” In everyday life, this translates into acceptance and openness. We accept that even “soul mates” don’t always see eye to eye. We remain open to exploring this reality and learning how it can help us improve individually and as a couple. 10 Expert Tips For Better Couples Communication 1. Active Listening We can and must listen with all our senses — and must make it clear we are doing so. From body language to facial gestures to verbal affirmations, we let our partner know we are hearing them. 2. Avoid Personal Attacks, Blame, and Criticism It’s important to bring up issues that are bothering you. But this must be done gently and without blame. The goal is finding a resolution, not declaring a winner. 3. Try to Understand First Before Trying to Be Understood In every disagreement, there’s a point where you feel you’re not being heard or understood. This is a good time to ask questions — in the name of understanding your partner’s point first! 4. Use “I” Statements Rather than, “You always make me feel like ___,” try: “When you do that, I feel like this.” The concept of blame has been removed and you’ve shared in a vulnerable way. 5. Accept Influence From the Other One of the least appreciated aspects of a disagreement is that it is a teaching moment. If your partner has a differing opinion, you can learn from it! 6. Share Appreciations Do not choose black and white thinking. No matter how uncomfortable the current conflict is, it doesn’t change how much you love and appreciate your partner. 7. Learn How to Apologize A big part of resolution involves forgiveness and apology. A proper apology occurs when you take responsibility, show remorse, and take steps to not do it again. 8. Use Humor Feel out the situation and see where you can gently lighten the mood. 9. Practice Patience In very rare instances, a conflict is so urgent that it must be settled ASAP. In most cases, you can and should take a break to cool off and contemplate. Social media has taught us to “flame” each other but that is an unproductive and immature form of interaction. 10. Acknowledge Common Ground Almost every difference of opinion includes grey areas. Seek them out, explore this common ground, and use it to ease tensions. Find a Couples Therapist Better couples communication is a skill. As with learning any other skill, it helps to have a mentor. What better coach than a couples therapist who is an expert in communication. Important skills, by definition, are tough to learn and even tougher to maintain. The improvement lies in the commitment and a willingness to learn. When partners commit to attending couples counseling, you are also committing to each other. Your love is not being questioned. However, your compatibility may need a fresh, new approach. Please reach out for a consultation soon. As your couples therapist and communication mentor, I can help guide this crucial, bonding process. Click for more information on couples therapy. About the Author Kate Kendrick is a psychotherapist and relationship counselor in private practice in Longmont, Colorado. Kate specializes in helping couples and individuals who are struggling in their relationship. She also specializes in treating anxiety, PTSD, depression and grief.
Some of the benefits of couples therapy:
● Access the power of love as an intention
● Understand yourself, your partner and your relationship better
● Discover where each of you is coming from
● Heal wounds from the past that are coloring your relationship now
● Shift out of blaming yourself and/or your partner
● Become aware of ways you interact that don’t create separation
● Rebuild your relationship so it is based on authenticity, honesty, respect, caring, and compassion
● Find the balance between autonomy and interdependence
Questions & Answers
I’m worried that if we really open up about what is bothering us, everything will blow up in the counseling room.
As a couples therapist, I make sure to create a safe place for each person to express their needs and be heard. I’ve had lots of experience as a mediator, as a restorative justice facilitator and as a Nonviolent Communication practitioner, helping people speak and hear from their hearts, no matter how painful the truth. I might stop you or your spouse mid-sentence if I sense the message being spoken will be heard as an attack, and help you translate it into a language that is more likely to be received openly from your partner. As Marshall Rosenberg often said, “Every attack, criticism or judgment is a tragic expression of an unmet need.” I am there to support both of you in speaking and hearing each other’s unmet needs.
I am the one looking into couples therapy, but my partner is resisting. If we do come in, won’t it be a waste of time if we aren’t both on board?
It is very common for one person to want to do couples therapy and the other partner is resistant. The resistant partner often relaxes when he/she realizes that couples therapy is a safe place for them, and they can trust that their needs will be heard and respected. Every human craves to be deeply heard and understood. I am well trained in that area and love to provide that kind of environment for couples.
Won’t you be biased toward one of us?
If you are coming to me for couples therapy, my allegiance is to both of you and your relationship. My task is to help you identify and transform the patterns that are blocking you from enjoying more authenticity, intimacy, warmth and openness not to take sides. I do believe it is important for both of you to feel safe with me, and if one of you didn’t for whatever reason, we would talk about that openly.
What if I’m still not sure?
A trusting therapeutic relationship is an investment in yourself and your wellbeing. If you would like to get to know me and see if we are a match, simply contact me for a free 30-minute consultation by clicking this link.
“Kate is helping me express what I really want and need much more easily, yet without making any demands. Much more often now, I talk to my husband, even about the most difficult things, in a way that makes both of us feel good, feel like we’re being real, feel like we’re being heard. In the end, we’re both getting what we need. It works with other people too. Kate knows how to help!”
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