Relationship Counseling

Wouldn’t it be great if we could really learn about relationships from sitcoms? Life is a touch more challenging. Problems aren’t often solved in 90 minutes. Instead of witty banter, we sometimes have to deal with harsh words. Figuring out what does and doesn’t work is, well… work. But it’s some of the most important and gratifying work you’ll ever do. Relationships can feel like a riddle at times. This does not mean you can’t and won’t crack the code. Below are some guidelines to help with that process. Pro tip: It helps to learn about attachment styles! Understanding Attachment Styles Each of us has an attachment style that was initially shaped in childhood.  It’s like an internal compass navigating us through our relations and interactions with others. Generally speaking, there are four attachment styles (adaptations): Secure: You easily love and allow yourself to be loved. You can move between feeling good when you are alone and feeling in balance when you are with another.   Dancing between autonomy and interdependence is easy. Ambivalent: You may feel insecure in your relationship and anxious about being rejected.  Often you over-focus on others and forget your own needs.  You might even feel quite panicky when you sense your partner pulling away, even if they are just needing a bit of space. Avoidant: You maintain your distance and fear intimacy.  You feel more emotionally regulated when you are alone and find maintaining closeness stressful.  You are confident that you can take care of yourself but have difficulty opening up to others or even asking for support. Disorganized:  You might send mixed messages — craving closeness but running from it when it arrives.  Disorganized attachment often arises when your primary caregivers, the ones you look to support you and care for you were also a source of threat or fear. You might notice that three of the four styles are insecure connections. Your adult attachment style initially is an adaptation to the dynamics with childhood caregivers.  It is also impacted by our intimate relationships as we go through life.  Fortunately, these styles are not permanent. Are you in a healthy partnership? To follow is a list of signs of healthy relationships so you can assess your own. Signs of a Healthy Relationship The Root Word of Kindness is “Kin” Kindness is a big sign!  Healthy couples are kind to one another.  We all want satisfaction and stability. Kindness is believed to be one of the most important predictor of both. (Conversely, contempt is a big sign of trouble.) Be the Pair That Repairs Individuals in a healthy relationship do repair work when they have hurt one another or made a mistake.  They give and receive when it comes to patching up the holes. And those repairs are best done as soon as possible.  People in a healthy relationship drop their defensiveness and say “I’m sorry.”  Repair prevents the painful moments from becoming long-term memories. 1 + 1 = 2 The problem with talking about being “soul mates” is that it rarely contains discussions about independence. Healthy couples exist as strong, secure individuals. They have different opinions and different friend groups. They are different but integrated and they feel safe in expressing their independence. This empowers them to manage outside relationships in an open, honest, and healthy manner. Hearing and Validating Renowned relationship counselor John Gottman talks about “bids for connection.” In everyday life, this presents itself as those times when one of the partners in the couple seeks the attention of the other. A healthy couple recognizes these bids and responds with respect and urgency. Studies have found that the practice of responding to bids is present in couples who stay together. Responding to each other’s bids can: Make both people feel safe in their relationship — and in the world Create an environment in which each feels their needs will be met Forms a secure base for your attachment Keeps partners in sync with one another Eases the strain of negotiations during a disagreement Curiosity Saved the Relationship As time passes, some partners start to take each other for granted. They believe they already know what they need to know about each other. A healthier approach is evolving interactions.  In a healthy relationship, there is a willingness to learn about each other.  Curiosity and approaching their loved one with fresh eyes is key. A Few More Basics: Practice transparency (don’t keep secrets from one another) When something big happens (i.e., you got that promotion), they tell their partner first They never threaten the relationship.  They don’t say they want a divorce or separation in the middle of an argument unless they are 100% sure that that is what you want.  Threatening to leave plays havoc on a partners attachment system. Always find time to play and laugh together Healthy relationships also involve asking for help when you need it. Working with a relationship therapist puts you in the position to identify what work is required. I’d love to talk with you in a confidential consultation and get your relationship counseling process started.

If you’re single (or non-monogamous), you have stories to tell about online dating. It’s hardly breaking news that using dating apps can feel like you’re navigating a minefield. People aren’t always honest and it’s way easier for people to ghost you online. So many people have sworn off dating apps for good. But, I say: Not so fast.There is no surefire way to avoid dating trolls and bots. But there are some self-care choices you can make. The process begins with asking yourself some tough questions about your approach and your motivation. It also involves a healthy dose of attachment theory. Tough Questions Are you telling people what you truly want in your online profile? Have you developed an online profile for what you truly want? Or, is your profile filled with info you think will make people find you more attractive or likable? If you settle while writing your profile, you’ll end up settling for the responses you get. Don’t be afraid to “scare” off a few people. For example, if you want a long-term relationship, try something like, “I want somebody who is not afraid of talking about their feelings, who likes to snuggle and is wanting to build a life together.” So, for starters, make a list of what you truly want. Next, take a good look at your profiles. Make sure they reflect your personal wants and needs. What good is it to attract people you know are not compatible? What About Attachment Theory? Generally speaking, there are four different types of attachment adaptations. We most often mold our adaptation during childhood — usually from our primary caregivers. These adaptations are: Secure: Demonstrated by a positive view of yourself and othersAmbivalent-preoccupied: You value others but may not see yourself as worthy of themDismissive-avoidant: Not depending on others, maintaining a distanceDisorganized: A fear that trusting someone will lead to you getting hurt Of course, there will be overlap. But, a familiarity with attachment theory can be quite helpful once you’ve started to meet in person with someone from a dating app. Applying Attachment Theory to Dating Ideally, you want to attract someone with a secure attachment style. Some signs include: They directly let you know how they feel. A secure person won’t string you along. If they’re not feeling it, they’ll say something like: “I really enjoyed meeting you, but I don’t think this is a relationship.”Not afraid of “being trapped” or losing their independence. They see dating as a path to a potential relationship.Makes quality eye contact and gives you their focused attention.Comfortable making plans and shows flexibility. They don’t leave you wondering when you’re going to see them again.Open to talking about the relationship. They communicate honestly and confidently about why they’re dating and what they’re looking for.Closeness breeds further closeness. Intimacy creates safety, not insecurity or unbalanced dynamics.Not into playing games. You won’t be wondering why they didn’t answer a text right away. They’re not the type to use something like that as a test or a power trip.Introduces you to friends and family and shares intimate details in a paced way. You both take emotional risks slowly but steadily.Makes you feel good about yourself. Don’t ignore the signs if you don’t feel great about yourself with somebody! The absence of the above qualities could be an important red flag. However, these red flags are less likely when you use online dating in a conscious way. To find out more about how relationship counseling might help you, set up a free consultaton.

Anxiety is one of the most common mental health conditions across the globe. It can present itself differently, depending on the person. However, the basis of anxiety is an irrational fear or worry. Some people experience it over specific things, while others deal with Generalized Anxiety Disorder.Even though anxiety is so prominent, those that don’t struggle with it often have a hard time fully understanding how it feels or how it can impact someone’s life. If you have a loved one with anxiety, you undoubtedly want to be there for them and help however you can. If you don’t understand what they’re going through, that isn’t easy to do. Unfortunately, you might even come across as cold or uncaring. So, what are some of the things your loved one with anxiety wants you to know? The more you understand about anxiety, the more you can do what’s best for the person you care about. 1. Don’t Talk Them Out of Their Feelings There may be times when someone with anxiety asks you if their fear is justified. In those cases, you can do your best to reassure them. Other than that, don’t try to relieve any negative feelings by talking that person out of them. That suggests that their feelings aren’t valid or that they aren’t real. For the person dealing with anxiety, those feelings are genuine and can be overwhelming. Instead, listen to their feelings, validate them, and work with them to alleviate worries without belittling them. 2. They Can’t Shake the Irrationality Most people with anxiety have at least some understanding that their fears are irrational. It can feel like a constant battle inside their head between the rational and irrational. Unfortunately, the irrational is hard to get rid of. So, it often takes over. With that in mind, you don’t need to remind them about that irrationality constantly. Reassurance is one thing. But, telling someone with anxiety that their fears aren’t “real” will lead to embarrassment and could impact their condition even more. 3. They Can’t “Turn It Off” Some people with anxiety often deal with triggers. There are times when their symptoms might be worse. That doesn’t mean that they’re only feeling anxious around those triggers. Anxiety isn’t something that can be turned on and off with a switch. People dealing with it don’t want to feel it all of the time — but many do. They’re not doing it to get attention or to make anyone else’s life more difficult. If you ever find yourself getting frustrated or even annoyed by a loved one with anxiety, remind yourself of this fact. 4. They Appreciate Your Kindness If you don’t have anxiety yourself, there is no way you can genuinely or fully understand what someone with it goes through daily. When you’re willing to do what it takes to help them calm down, reassurance them, or just be a listening ear, they appreciate it. You don’t have to understand the full scope of anxiety to know how much it’s affecting someone you care about. It can be a very lonely condition, which can boost the fear and worry people struggling with it already have. By showing kindness, patience, and trying to understand as much as possible, you can make a big difference in your loved one’s life. — If you have a loved one with anxiety, it’s a good idea to educate yourself. Feel free to contact me if you’re struggling to understand what they’re going through. Or if it’s causing you extra stress in your own life, and you need to know how to manage it. Please reach out today.